Hold on to your hats, lovelies, because today Katie from Sass & Balderdash is contributing a guest post! Though there are many ways to describe the hilarity of Katie, she is best described as a sasshole extraordinaire. If you are offended by the term sasshole, it is probably best to stop reading now. For all you lovelies with a sense of humour, stay tuned and enjoy this special treat!
Life’s A Beach
Going to the beach can be a lot of fun, but like the DMV, the grocery store, and any other public place you have to share with other human beings, you should always prepare for the worst. Expect one or more of these unfortunate circumstances to befall you on your next beach excursion:
- Someone will steal your spot.Okay, so technically you were still 50 feet away, and you hadn’t actually put your towel down yet (the universal method of communicating spot-saving at the beach), but you saw it, and you were on your way over there! Right until some thoughtless parents snatched the prime beach real estate you’d mentally reserved just so their toddlers could build a sandcastle. I mean, really?
- Some chick will be channeling Baywatch (and risking a wardrobe malfunction).
It’s nearly impossible to resist the temptation of running along the beach (because who doesn’t love the feeling of sand between their toes?). Unfortunately, when you mix strapless tops and string bikini bottoms with centripetal force, it’s only a matter of time before something pops out of place.
- Some jerk will hit you in the face with a beach ball.You’ll be quietly soaking up some sun with your nose in a book, when along comes Sabrina the teenage bitch, determined to prove to everyone how talented she is by inadvertently spiking a threateningly-inflated beach ball in your direction. The real victim here is your pride, because for the rest of your beach day you’ll be known only as, “The Person Who Got Hit In The Face With A Beach Ball.”
- Someone will piss you off with his or her aerosol sunscreen.Sun protection at the beach is a must, but let’s not pretend that aerosol sunscreen, though convenient, isn’t the worst thing ever. It smells like cleaning products and old perfume, and if there’s any wind whatsoever, the person spraying it a few feet away from you will be giving you an unwanted shower that will cause spots all over your sunglasses—the most grievous beach offense there is.
- Someone’s pet care will not meet your standards.What an adorable pooch! Oh look, they’re playing Frisbee! I love seeing people play with their dog.
Did they not bring a bowl of water for the dog? Wait a second… ARE THEY NOT GOING TO PICK UP THAT POOP?
- Someone’s parenting will not meet your standards .Awww, baby’s first beach day! Look at that adorable little munchkin!
Why aren’t the parents reapplying sunscreen? Where’s that baby’s beach hat? Not even a bonnet? DID THEY JUST LET HIM PUT SAND IN HIS MOUTH, AGAIN?
- You’ll remember just how awful sand is.Go the beach, you thought. It’ll be so fun, you thought. It was all so promising until you went to pack up all your shit and remembered that sand is a pox that infects all your personal effects. It’s in your towels, your hair, your folding chair, your cooler—ev-ry-where. Now you’re seriously considering throwing all your beach stuff away, finding a new body to occupy, and walking home because you’d rather get flip-flop blisters than think of cleaning sand out of your car. (Any chore that involves a Shop-Vac is worth flip-flop blisters.)
- You’ll see someone you know that you didn’t want to see in a swimsuit (or who you didn’t want to see you in a swimsuit).Whether it’s a former co-worker, an ex, a creepy family member you avoid, your regular barista, a person you argued with at Target two weeks ago, or your babysitter, you’re almost guaranteed to run into someone you never wanted to see in a beachy capacity.
- You’ll make a cameo appearance in someone else’s photo (likely making an unflattering face).Everyone’s taking pictures because it’s summer at the beach, and you know the second you let your guard down and make a squinty sun face, someone nearby will be taking a picture in which you’ll be part of the backdrop. No one wants to be immortalized in someone else’s photo album making an ugly face, but that’s just what happens at the beach.
- You’ll underestimate the sun.SPF 70? That’s perfect! I’ll reapply every 30 minutes and be just fine!
At home six hours later
Slather me an aloe and run me an ice bath. Mention any red crustaceans, and it’ll be the last thing you’ll ever do.