Now, I’m nervous to admit this…
Actually typing the words make it seem SO real…
I’m scared that my Chicagoan Confession will get us kicked right out of this glorious city!!! RIGHT OUT OF THE COUNTRY!!!!!
But I guess it’s like ripping off a bandaid. Just close your eyes and pull it off as fast as you can in one swift motion…
Okay, here it goes:
I don’t like Chicago style hot dogs!!!!
(typed that pretty good for having my eyes closed, hey?)
(Also, I’m not sure if I added the ‘hey’ because I’m Canadian or if any another person feels like a “hey” is fitting)
What is a Chicago Style Hot Dog you ask? Well, my lovely, this is Wiki’s definition:
“A Chicago-style hot dog, Chicago Dog, or Chicago Red Hot is an all-beef frankfurter on a poppy seed bun, originating from the city of Chicago, Illinois. The hot dog is topped with yellow mustard; chopped white onions; bright green sweet pickle relish; a dill pickle spear; tomato slices or wedges; pickled sport peppers; and a dash of celery salt. The complete assembly of a Chicago hot dog is said to be “dragged through the garden” due to the many toppings. The method for cooking the hot dog itself varies depending on the vendor’s preference. Most often they are steamed, water-simmered or grilled over charcoal, the latter of which are referred to as “char-dogs.”
The canonical recipe does not include ketchup, and there is a widely shared, strong opinion among many Chicagoans and aficionados that ketchup is unacceptable. A number of Chicago hot dog vendors do not offer ketchup as a condiment.“
I know… our hopes of making new friends are OVER!
Our dreams in this country are over.
I’ll never make it out of here alive now that they know…
This is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, I know that the Chicagoans are hunting and searching for the DEPORT button now.
I’m sorry, I truly am.
I wish it wasn’t this way.
But do you want to know what makes this even worse!?!
WAIT THERE’S MORE!?!?
(Cue enormous gasp as you can’t imagine that it gets worse than this….)
Yes, my lovely. There is more. And it’s not pretty…. she’s not pretty one single bit…
Okay. Here it is:
The absolute worst part about me…
I can’t believe I’m actually telling you this.
Oh my gosh… okay, are you ready?!
My eyes are closed…..
I LIKE KETCHUP ON MY HOT DOG!!!
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT!?!?? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!” (your reaction)
I know…. my confession is so much worse than you expected. First the hot dog part… AND THEN the ketchup part…. I feel dirty just writing those delicious 7 letters.
Don’t fret, my lovely. I know that this is a lot to take in. I know it’s more than most would ever admit… But don’t worry, I’ll be there for you.
I’ll be here right by your side to help you through the SEVEN STAGES:
SHOCK & DENIAL
“Mommy, did she really just say she puts ketchup on her hot dog!?”
“Nooo… that can’t be right… that must just be some kind of joke she’s telling us”
“Some kind of SICK joke…”
GUILT & PAIN
“I can’t believe I let her into my country…”
“I thought she was different than the rest of them…”
“I knew there was a reason why I wouldn’t allow her to have a driver’s license… THIS IS THE REASON”
“GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!”
“GO! GET OUT OF HERE!”
“YOU’VE GOT 3 SECONDS BEFORE I THROW YOUR A$$ OUTTA HERE, YOU KETCHUP EATING #$*^&*%!!!!”
DEPRESSION & LONELINESS
“Nothing matters. Nobody cares. I don’t care”
“Nothing feels right anymore…”
THE UPWARD TURN
“Maybe it’s not so bad…”
“Maybe there are a handful of worse things in this world…”
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH
BIEBS, what the hell are you doing here?!?!
We’ve all already decided that everything is your fault, don’t you remember!? You even have two posts (here and here) … gaawwwddd!!!
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE
“Okay, you’re not so bad… I guess you can stay”
“But, let’s be clear, that I will never be the one who order your dog ketchup style for you”