LisaListed

The best things in life aren't things at all

My Chicagoan Confession

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Now, I’m nervous to admit this…

Actually typing the words make it seem SO real…

 

I’m scared that my Chicagoan Confession will get us kicked right out of this glorious city!!! RIGHT OUT OF THE COUNTRY!!!!!

 

But I guess it’s like ripping off a bandaid. Just close your eyes and pull it off as fast as you can in one swift motion…

 

bandaid

Okay, here it goes:

*Eyes Closed*

Confession time:

I don’t like Chicago style hot dogs!!!!

(typed that pretty good for having my eyes closed, hey?)
(Also, I’m not sure if I added the ‘hey’ because I’m Canadian or if any another person feels like a “hey” is fitting)

What is a Chicago Style Hot Dog you ask? Well, my lovely, this is Wiki’s definition:

“A Chicago-style hot dogChicago Dog, or Chicago Red Hot is an all-beef frankfurter on a poppy seed bun, originating from the city of Chicago, Illinois. The hot dog is topped with yellow mustard; chopped white onions; bright green sweet pickle relish; a dill pickle spear; tomato slices or wedges; pickled sport peppers; and a dash of celery salt. The complete assembly of a Chicago hot dog is said to be “dragged through the garden” due to the many toppings. The method for cooking the hot dog itself varies depending on the vendor’s preference. Most often they are steamed, water-simmered or grilled over charcoal, the latter of which are referred to as “char-dogs.”

The canonical recipe does not include ketchup, and there is a widely shared, strong opinion among many Chicagoans and aficionados that ketchup is unacceptable. A number of Chicago hot dog vendors do not offer ketchup as a condiment.

hot dog chicago

 

I know… our hopes of making new friends are OVER!

 

Our dreams in this country are over.

 


I’ll never make it out of here alive now that they know…

 


This is one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, I know that the Chicagoans are hunting and searching for the DEPORT button now.

Thank you, Staples for not making a deport button

Thank you, Staples for not making a deport button

 

I’m sorry, I truly am.

 

I wish it wasn’t this way.

 

But do you want to know what makes this even worse!?!

 

WAIT THERE’S MORE!?!?

 

(Cue enormous gasp as you can’t imagine that it gets worse than this….)

 

Yes, my lovely. There is more. And it’s not pretty…. she’s not pretty one single bit…

 

Okay. Here it is:

 

The absolute worst part about me…

 

I can’t believe I’m actually telling you this.

 

Oh my gosh… okay, are you ready?!

 

My eyes are closed…..

 

I LIKE KETCHUP ON MY HOT DOG!!!

 

“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTT!?!?? THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!!!!!” (your reaction)

 

I know…. my confession is so much worse than you expected.  First the hot dog part… AND THEN the ketchup part…. I feel dirty just writing those delicious 7 letters.

Don’t fret, my lovely. I know that this is a lot to take in. I know it’s more than most would ever admit… But don’t worry, I’ll be there for you.

I’ll be here right by your side to help you through the SEVEN STAGES:


Stage ONE:
SHOCK & DENIAL

 

"YOU WHAAAAT!?!"

“YOU WHAAAAT!?!”

“Mommy, did she really just say she puts ketchup on her hot dog!?”

“Nooo… that can’t be right… that must just be some kind of joke she’s telling us”

“Some kind of SICK joke…”

 

Stage TWO:
GUILT & PAIN

obama

“I can’t believe I let her into my country…”

“I thought she was different than the rest of them…”

“I knew there was a reason why I wouldn’t allow her to have a driver’s license… THIS IS THE REASON”

 

 

Stage THREE:
ANGER

angry face

“GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!”

“GO! GET OUT OF HERE!”

“YOU’VE GOT 3 SECONDS BEFORE I THROW YOUR A$$ OUTTA HERE, YOU KETCHUP EATING #$*^&*%!!!!”

 


Stage FOUR:
DEPRESSION & LONELINESS

 

photo-7

“Nothing matters. Nobody cares. I don’t care”

“Nothing feels right anymore…”

 

Stage FIVE:
THE UPWARD TURN

 

hope baby

 

“Maybe it’s not so bad…”

“Maybe there are a handful of worse things in this world…”

Stage SIX:
RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH

 

jb

WHAT THE…..!?!?!

BIEBS, what the hell are you doing here?!?!

We’ve all already decided that everything is your fault, don’t you remember!? You even have two posts (here and here) … gaawwwddd!!!

 

Stage SEVEN:
ACCEPTANCE & HOPE

L&J

“Okay, you’re not so bad… I guess you can stay”

“But, let’s be clear, that I will never be the one who order your dog ketchup style for you”

 

So there you have it folks… It’s true. I do not like a hot dog Chicago Style.

A heated argument was brewing when I tried to substitute mustard for ketchup on July 4th at a very well known Hot Dog joint here in the city. I could see the terror in John’s eyes, I could see the fear trickle down his face in sweat, I could feel him starting to shake… it is a terrifying thing to admit out loud. I find it pretty funny actually… this is how the argument went, a lil something like this:

First things first… let’s set the setting, shall we? It was 4th of July, a super busy, super noisy and super populated place. I chose a dog that’s description only had mustard and grilled onions because I was trying to be easy.

The lady was in a dithy, she was panicked, hustling, multitasking like a true queen… She shouted at me what I wanted. So this was my response:

“May I please have the (let’s call it a Hotty Doggy because I really think that would be a great name for a Hot Dog) Hotty Doggy with ketchup instead of mustard?”

The lady abruptly stopped what she was doing. Just stopped. The whole world was buzzing with excitement around her, and she was frozen. Frozen right in the middle as the world carried on around her. Probably a solid 10 seconds went by, but it felt like 10 minutes. It made me nervous, I looked at John who wouldn’t even make eye contact with me.

The lady got her composure, lifted her head and looked me dead square in the eye.

“What did you say!?!?!?!”

So I calmly told the lady that I simply wanted to substitute the mustard for ketchup.

The lady snarled at me, threw her hands up in the air and said:

“THAT IS NOT A HOTTY DOGGY!!!!!!”

I could feel her hot dragon breath on my face. It smelt like she had one too many Chicago Style Dogs… oh yes, I went there.

I was at a loss of words at that point, and so I said “Okay.”

This seemed to reignite something within her… and she shouted at me again:

“THAT IS NOT A HOTTY DOGGY!!!!!!”

So, like the true ass that I am, I also did not back down. Now I’m totally aware that I could have simply just got a plain ass dog and added my own ketchup, but that, my lovely, is not how I roll. I wanted the onions. And thought the ketchup would be the perfect compliment to them.

And so, I held her eye contact and said:

“Okay, then may I please have a dog that is similar to the Hotty Doggy and only change out the mustard for ketchup?”

She did not like this. She did not like this one bit. She must have thought that I didn’t understand the rules. Oh, I understood the rules alright, but I’m also a bit of a rule pusher which is often times embarrassing to my darling husband. Which, I’ll admit, makes it even more fun for me.

This went on for probably about 5 minutes. Back and forth. She was educating me on what a Hotty Doggy was and how it didn’t come with ketchup. So I thanked her for the Wienie lesson 101 and asked for a dog with ketchup and grilled onions. Back and forth. Back and forth… Like a terrible match of tennis.

But, FINALLY,  the victory was mine! I got my nameless dog with ketchup and grilled onions. And let me tell you, it was delicious!! There was likely spit and God knows what else in there, but I enjoyed it. Thoroughly.

I enjoyed it so much in fact, that John asked for a bite. He himself had ordered a Chicago Style Dog without any issues at all. He had a bite of mine and I could see it in his eyes. I know that you probably don’t believe me, but there are times when I am able to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t say a word and continued to enjoy my dog.

And then it happened again… John asked for another bite of my ketchuppy, glorious doggy.

Maybe I’m not the only crazy cat out there who prefers a ketchuppy smothered dog!? But I am the only one who will order it. That much is clear. 

I ask you, my lovely, how do you like your Hotty Doggy???? Chili cheese? Bacon? Fire roasted? Boiled? Microwaved? Grilled? Are you more of a ketchup or mustard lover yourself? OR, you lil dare devil, you like BOTH ketchup and mustard!?

Enjoy Life,
L

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5 thoughts on “My Chicagoan Confession

  1. My apologies for the formatting issues…. WordPress and I were having some serious issues

  2. Oh Lisa, youare so darn funny. I can just hear you going back and forth with that lady!! I love my hot dogs with both ketchup and mustard…must be a Canadian thing.
    Love ya lots!!

  3. Yes! Love ketchup on my hotdogs! 😀

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